I’m into this fad of girls shaving their hair off. They all look like they want to kill me and I’m into it
Christopher Owens - It Comes Back To You
I was like 16 when I found out what being transgender was and I’d say that I was one of the few in my high school who really knew about it. I’d say most people that age are aware of it now. Really cool to see how the world has changed in just the past few years.
dream has not felt this real for a while
Whenever Jimmy Eat World plays, I instantly think back to my parents dragging me to a flea market or something equally parent-y
I’m going to try and write about the things that I stopped writing about to clear my head:
Adolescence for me was like that feeling you get in your throat when you want to cry but can’t because you kind of forgot how to. I think it all started when my best friend attempted to end his life freshman year after a lifetime struggling to understand his sexual orientation and unaccepting parents. I was 15. Too young to fathom death. Too young to really understand what he went through. Too young to understand what we had prevented. Too young to think twice. Too young to understand what a fragile portrayal of life he unknowingly began painting in my head.
Half a year later I began dating a girl who would go on to become the biggest challenge in my life for the next 4 years. Too easily convince of love, too easily convinced I was important, I fell right into the palm of her hands. The following three years were filled with numbness, inadequacy, happiness, depression, nausea, and a terrible knack for not learning my lesson. The summer before my senior year, she attempted suicide. I was 17. Still too young to fathom death. Too young to empathize. Too scared to believe it. She knows she created a nervous wreck out me after years of repeated torment.
I spent my senior year growing into myself. I longed for the feeling of affection that I had once imagined was real. I longed to be important. I longed for anything. Heartbreak showed its ugly face again, but it felt insignificant in comparison to everything else I had to sit helplessly through. I thought I was the saddest, most invincible person I knew. No one could ever hurt me again, no matter how bad I wish they could. I wanted to feel real heartbreak again. I wanted to suddenly realize how far I had come and how happy I actually was even if that meant I was going to be in a bad spot again.
It took that long to finally find someone again. Through a string of unlikely events, I ended up spending my summer in sandy beds and sitting in a car with a girl unlike any I had known. At some point in July, I could feel my mind let go of memories and thoughts I thought could never be forgotten. My nerves were no longer focused around the past, but in anticipation of what was to come. For the first time in my life, I recorded an entire album of songs that made me happy. I just wasn’t sad anymore. I was happy. I woke up happy and fell asleep happy.
That feeling stayed with me to this very moment, even throughout nervous breakdowns worsened with my unrelenting hypochondria. I’m so happy with who I’m with. I don’t like to use the word blessed because I find it to be selfish but I truly feel it.
Before I knew what this girl and I would become, we planned to go abroad. Me in the fall, and her in the spring. Now, as the end of my sophomore year looms near by, I’m terrified I’m going to lose everything. Again. I don’t really know how to write about it because its so unusual and I’ve been struggling with it in my head and through feeble verbal attempts but I can’t seem to get the words out right. I’m just really scared. I’m scared of being 20. I’m scared of being in love. I’m scared of what this could do to me. This fucking blows, dude. I don’t want to lose anyone in my life and I can almost feel it all slip between my stupid fingers.
I thought writing this out would make me feel better but I feel kind of worse.
I hope you had fun reading this.